Recommended: The Bobblespeak Translations

Those of you who can't bear to watch a TV pundit without screaming in rage at one more irrelevant question, be of good cheer: The author of The Bobblespeak Translations: What They're Really Saying When They're Saying What They're Saying watches these well-paid blind men so you don't have to, and then transcribes what is really being said. The Bobblespeak Translations never gets bogged down in horse race reporting, always has the broad reality outside American doublespeak in mind, and offers the most clear-eyed political summary available through the tubes of the internets.

Here, for example, is Tim Russert questioning Ron Paul's patriotism:

Tim Russert: but what will you do when Iran invades Israel??

Ron Paul: Timmy that's not going to happen - Israel has 300 nukes for pete's sake

Russert: do you think Israel has influence on US foreign policy - oh noes!

Paul: yes i do dumbass

Russert: would really cut off aid to Israel?

Paul: of course but the arabs too - let 'em fight it out and put it on pay per view

Russert: how have we provoked Al Qaeda???

Ron Paul: do what Bush says - real their own statements -- we had troops in Saudi Arabia which is their holy land and we overthrew the Iran government and bombed Iraq

Russert: wow you're defending Al qaeda you say the problem is us and not them

Paul: we're stepping in a snake pit do you blame the snake and keep standing in the snake pit??

Russert: but the islamofascists!!!!

Paul: oh please

Russert: you're making moral equiavalency with islamists and white americans!!!

Ron Paul: have you met dick cheney that dood is crazy

***

...Or Russert, obtuse again, interviewing Barack Obama:

Tim Russert: Postpone Pakistani elections?

Obama: slightly delay them to make them more legitimate but not postponed indefinitely - but it's also about a free press and judiciary and need to have a legit government

Russert: did Musharraf protect her enough?

Obama: how the fuck should i know - the point is he's a fucker who won't go after terrorists or support democracy

Russert: but Bush liked him!

Obama: yeah of course he did

Russert: did Hillary Clinton's vote for Iraq war create Bhutto's death?

Obama: no but the media has decided that Bhutto being killed helps Clinton because of her great experience which - forgive me for offending Fred Hiatt and the Washington Post - but that is bullshit

Tim Russert: you used the s-word!

Obama: fuck you fathead

Russert: you don't have enough experience

Obama: says who, you?

Tim Russert: Bill Clinton on Charlie Rose he says we're rolling the dice!

Obama: the real gamble is to elect Richard Mellon Scaife's evil nemesis all over again - btw way she has no judgment and is a triangulating fuckwit

Russert: but you're too young, you skinny handsome dood

Obama: why wait - we've been governed by a bunch of experienced dickwads for 7 years

Tim Russert: but bill clinton says you're too young

Obama: sure he defends his wife hey i have more experience than he did in 1992

Russert: you say Hillary is a broken system lady

Obama: that's right she's hip-deep in all this DC shit - in fact she campaigns on it - well it's an evil system

Tim Russert: but you might employ a lobbyist oh noes!

Obama: Ron Paul was right - you are an idiot

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