TEXT: Taken verbatim from traditional secular British Boxing Day plays, in which the "Doctor" resurrects the dying sun.

Here comes Father Christmas ; who does not know my name?
Sword and buckler by my side, I hope to win the game.
Rise up, good wives, shake your feathers ;
Don't you think that we are beggars !
We are gentles, come to play,
And seek your English good money.
Move off stocks, then move off stools,
Here comes in "The Feast of Fools !"
Muckle head, with little wit
May stand behind the door ;
But such a set as we are
Was never here before !
And in this Room there shall be shown
The finest Battle that ever was known
Between Saint George and ye Turkish Knight

{Enter Saint George who says}

In come I Saint George Saint George
That valiant Man of courage bold
all with my Sword and Spear I won 10 Crowns of Gold
I fought the fierce Dragon and brought him to slaughter
and by this means I won the King of Bohemia's Daughter

Who is it seek the dragon' blood
And speak so angry and so loud?
That English dog who look so proud?
Or if I could catch him with my claws,
Long teet' and harried jaws,
I'll break off his core
And increase my appetite for more.
Marrow from your bone I will squeeze,
And suck your blood up by degrees.

{They fight and St George kills Dragon.}

{Enter Turkish Knight}

In come I the Turkish Knight
old England for the fight
I will fight Saint George that valiant Man of courage bold
and if his Blood is hot I'll quickly make it cold.

{They fight and Saint George vanquishes Turkish Knight.}

{Saint George then Says}

I am a little Man that talks very bold
much like a Lad that I have been told
Therefore draw out thy Sword and fight,
pull out thy Purse and pay -
Satisfaction I will have before I go away

Spare Me Saint George: and do not cut Me down


Oh, I'll cut thee down and thou shalt rise no more
Then forfeit thy life to make a Store.
Gentlemen and Ladies walk out and see what Miracles I've done.
I've cut and slain my Father down all by ye Evening Sun.
Oh Doctor Doctor is there an Italian Doctor lately come from Spain.
To heal ye Sick and raise ye dead again.

Oh yes, there is an Italian Doctor lately come from Spain
To heal ye Sick and raise ye dead again.

{Doctor appears}

Oh Doctor what canst Thou cure

I can cure ye Itch, ye Palsy and Gout
and raging Pains that run both in and out
Broken Legs and arms, if any Man shall break his Neck
I will set it again, and have nothing for my Pains

Oh Doctor what is thy Pay

Ten Guineas is my Fee, but ten pounds I will take of thee
Take it -

Ive got a little Bottle in y Band of my Breeches called Elecampane
{applies it saying} Rise, Beau Champion, and fight again

{Enter Cut and Scar}

In come I cut and scarred - just come from ye bloody War
I and seven more will beat eleven Score.
Marching Men of War, many Battles I have Seen
Many Battles I have been in for Saint George our King.

{Enter Poor and Mean - He Says}

In come I poor and Mean,
hardly worthy to be seen
Christmas comes but once a Year
When it comes it brings good Cheer
Roast Beef, Plum Pudding and mince Pye
no body loves them better than I
a Mug of your Christmas Ale will make us dance and sing
and money in our Pockets is a very fine Thing.

{Enter Bold Slasher}

In come I Bold Slasher, Bold Slasher is my Name
with my Sword and Buckler by my side I hope to win this Game
what Man, what Man comes under my bloody Hand
I cut him and slay Him as small as dust
and send him to ye Cook's Shop to make Pye Crust

{Enter Twing Twang}

In comes Twing Twang,
Lieutenant of ye Press Gang
I press all these bold Mummers and send them aboard a Man of War -
To fight the French and Dutch and Spaniards also

I am St George, that bravely champion bold,
By my sword and spear I own three crowns of gold.
And with behaviour I own the powers of the King of Egypt's daughter.
Stand forth the royal princess and boldly act thy part.

I am the Princess of Sheva, it is my only delight,
To give sweetest pleasure of this bright and gallant knight.

Why there is a sight!
Won't it fill any man' heart to see this dragon slain?
Then subdue. Thou wouldest take thy hand unto thy pocket;
Thou wouldest put thy hand upon thy shoulder.
For I love a woman and a woman love me,
So when I want a fool, I'll surely send for thee.
So dear, If any man' heart who contain in this company
Let him stand forth and boldly tell his name.

I don't want just my courageous knight,
For in this war I and you had seen some sight'
In Palestine, in days of yore,
I boldly scrush and et t'ree hogsheads meal twice per day.
But now I became a giant snail,
I'm just waiting, waiting for a meal.

Ah, Saladim, Saladim, wilt thou comest to St George with sword and spear?
As Christian so damned
Rush to be stand?

Yes, yes, St George, I mean to fight.
For with one blow, I will let you know,
I am not the Turkish Knight.

{They fight; the Giant wins.}
{Enter St. Patrick}

Here come I, St. Patrick, in shining armour bright,
A famous champion & a worthy Knight.
What was St. George? But St. Patrick's boy!
He fed his horses seven long years on oats & hay,
And after that, - he ran away.

I say, by George you lie Sir,
Pull out your sword & try Sir,
Pull out your Purse and Pay Sir,
I'll run my sword through your body
And make you run away Sir.
And if you don't believe what I say
Come in Old Noll and clear the way.

Here come I Oliver Cromwell as you may suppose,
I have conquered many nations, with my Copper Nose;
I made my foes to tremble and my enemies to quake,
And beat all my opposers, till I made their hearts to ache,
And if you don't believe the words I have to say
Enter in Old Beelzebub and clear for me the way.

{B. enters singing to the tune of "Nancy Dawson"}

"Here I come Old Beelzebub;
Here I come Old Beelzebub;
Here I come Old Beelzebub;
And over my shoulder I carry my club;
And in my hand a dripping pan
In my hand a dripping pan,
In my hand a dripping pan,
And I think myself a jolly young man."
And if you don't believe what I say
Come in Mr. Devil Doubt & clear the way.

Here come I little Devil Doubt
If you don't give me money, I'll sweep you all out
Money I want, and money I crave
If you don't give me Money, I'll sweep you all to the grave."

{Exeunt omnes, saying}


I wish You a merry Christmas,
and a happy new Year
a pocket full of Money and a Cellar full of Beer.
See Also: Don't Question Me!; Third Combat Tour in Iraq; Jekyll & Hyde President; Hating the French; The Worms Turn; Pinter's Nobel Speech; et alia

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Brilliant. You've now made this The Scariest Play Ever. Yiyiyiyi! -- Pat